Dear Hacker,
I was recently on a public course with three other university
buddies. We often enjoy a round of golf every week,
and we try to play a different course each time. This
particular week-end we played a course (which should remain
nameless since it was grossly over priced for what it was)
we were playing behind a single individual. Obviously
we would have thought he would have lost us and have been
well ahead of us. But tee after tee, we had to wait
for him. Eventually, we found out he was taking about
four or five drives on each hole and have to waste time by
finding each one!!!! Also, when all of his drives were
poor, even though he had over three hundred yards left to
the hole, he would wait for the group ahead to get off the
green before he hit!
Hacker, the ranger was nowhere in sight, what should we have
done? - Toronto Native Dear Toronto Native,
Proper etiquette in this unfortunate situation would dictate
asking him if your group could play through to speed up
your round. However, proper etiquette does not
fall into my realm of thinking. I would have either
hit into him a few times, making sure to come as close as
possible or, better yet, at every tee box I had to wait
for him to tee off, I would make rude remarks about his
personal hygiene.
Dear Hacker,
I am new to the game, and I can truly say that I am in love
with it. Although I go to the range often, and consider
myself an avid golfer, there are many a time when I mishit
the ball badly. I was wondering, what should my course
of action be when I hit my ball onto another green?
Should I retreive it? Keep walking like my ball landed where
it was supposed to? Hacker,what is my course of action?
- Canucks Love their Golf
Dear Canucks,
As with any shot that doesn't produce the desired results
the proper course of action is to act like it never happened.
Drop another ball and give it another try. You can
always go back and get the first shot any time.
Dear Hacker,
Recently I went to a club in town and I wasn't
allowed to play because my Segrams t-shirt didn't have a
collar! What the hell is this ridiculous rule that
you have to have a collar in order to play golf? Thanks
- Segrams
Dear Segrams,
As I have mentioned in the past, golf is the only recreational
sport that has a dress code. I believe the reason
for the collared shirt rule is so that the "real"
golfers don't get offended by some hacker actually looking
like a hacker. I guess spraying the ball all over
the course, throwing clubs and cursing like a truck driver
aren't considered as bad as not wearing a shirt with a collar.
Dear Hacker,
None of the guys in my regular threesome are Irish, does
that mean we can't take Mulligans? - Chunker
Dear Chunker,
The one great thing about golf is that the terminology spans
every race, religion and nationality. Even if it was
called a Schwartz, Luigi or Patel, the "do over"
is a gift from the golf gods and is meant to be taken by
anyone regardless of nationality.
Dear Hacker,
I am a beginner who loves to play golf but what bugs the
hell out of me is the "NO shorts on the golf course
rule." I shoot in the 90's with shorts on but
with pants on I shoot in the 100's This is BS!!! Got
any ideas? - C. Alan Hall
Dear Alan,
I have never heard of a rule not allowing shorts to be worn
on the course unless you are a PGA Tour pro. At what
kind of club do you play? Do they also have a rule
that prohibits players from playing unless they drive a
Mercedes?
The only benefit to this idiotic rule is that it keeps others
from having to look at some 90 year old guy's knobby knees
or the chafe marks on that 350 pound guy's inner thighs
that always seems to be playing in front of you.
Dear Hacker,
I want a nickname like the pros. How do guys like
"Tiger" and "Duffy" get these really
cool names? Is there some sort of clearing house you
can order 'em? Help. - Nicknameless
Dear Nameless,
As most of us know, "Tiger" Woods got his nickname
from his father. "Duffy," I'm not too sure
about. The way a nickname is usually coined is that
someone else gives it to you based upon some thing that
defines you. For example, I go by the name "Hacker"
for obvious reasons. I have, however, been called
other nicknames as well. Names like "Chunker,"
"Divot-boy," "Slicer," and "You-really-suck-get-the-hell-off-the-course-before-you-kill-someone."
Those just never stuck.
Dear Hacker,
Can a golf cart hold a Keg? Or just a cooler?
Golf looks kinda fun- I used to play hockey so I'm sure
it's a lot like it, but I'm really concerned I won't get
enough to drink out there. Those beer carts only come by
every couple holes. What can I do? Also, any
advice on this golfing thing? - Rookie
Dear Rookie,
Absolutely. A cart is a perfect place to hold a keg
of beer. All you have to do is prop it up high enough
so the strap usually used to secure a golf bag can reach
around the keg. The only problem I see with this is
all the driving around on bumpy terrain may cause the keg
to get a shaken up. You know what happens to a CAN
of beer when you shake it up, imagine that with something
as big as a keg!
As for the golf thing, as long as you have the keg of beer,
who cares if you can play or not?
Dear Hacker,
I am a golfer that can shot anywhere between 90 and 107,
and I mean I have no idea where. The problem is I am going
back home on vacation and I have received passes from my
family to two very, very exclusive courses. Ones that are
expensive enough I would never waste the money to spray
my ball all over it if I was actually paying.
Now, I am terribly worried about the first and
10th tee-shot. After all, as long as I watch out for the
ranger I can shred the rest of the course apart out of the
prying eyes of the clubhouse. Any advice for the nerves
of teeing off in front of the clubhouse at an exclusive
club? I am afraid I will rip a divot on the tee-box and
shank my ball directly into the baywindow of the pro-shop,
striking a man on the head that will make more money this
week then I will my entire life. - First Tee Jitters
Dear First Tee,
What I find very helpful in overcoming the first tee jitters
is to imagine those standing around waiting their turn in
their underwear. Sure it's an old Brady Bunch trick
but it works. Even if you do shank your tee shot,
no matter the skill level of anyone there, you have an idea
of what they look like nearly naked. So, if you don't
get the urge to heave, you can at least have a good laugh.
Dear Hacker,
Let's say that you are at the course on a Saturday
afternoon. It's busy as hell with foursomes lined
up at the #1 teebox. A group of geezers is backing
up play and are two or three holes behind the group in front
of them. First question: Is it wrong for me to intentionally
drive the ball from the tee while they are still in range?
Second question: If this hint on playing through doesn't
work, what will? And last question: What the hell is a course
marshall for and how come we don't vote them into those
queer looking carts with the pretty little flags? - Sniper
Dear Sniper,
Having to wait on the tee box to drive our ball in to the
trees is one of the worst things about public golf, especially
when it's a foursome of the living dead holding up play.
Your approach may not be the most subtle way in which
to speed up play but it is, none the less, effective.
Should hitting into them not achieve your goal, I suggest
continuing to hit into them, even when they are on the green.
This may ram the point home. If all else fails, simply
approach them and ask, "Would you mind if we play through
because we would like to finish up our round before we reach
your age."
As for the course marshall, I'm still trying to figure out
that one. As far as I see it, the course which employs
them must use hiring criteria that includes the person must
be an alcoholic, older than dirt, absolutely cannot drive,
and has to wear those funky sun glasses that cover the entire
head (which I believe are government issued once you become
Medicare eligible). Oh, yeah, they must also not know
a thing about the game.
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