Ask The Hacker

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Dear Hacker,

I play in the low 90's.  I play my woods and 2 through 6 irons with left handed clubs.  The 7, 8, 9, wedges and putter I play with right handed clubs.   Left handed, I have awesome distance.  Right handed, I have very good accuracy for my short game.  My friends tell me I could never enter a serious tournament because you are not allowed to play both ways.  Is this true? - It works well for me

Dear It Works,
Consider yourself very lucky to possess something ex Philadelphia 76er basketball player, Charles Shackelford, when asked how he could dribble to the left and right so well, described as being easy because he was "amphibious."   More power to you if you play from both sides, if that's what you're into.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  As far as tournament play from both sides, I haven't a clue.  I can barely hit the ball from the one side I play from so, unless the tournament is determine who loses the most balls, I don't bother.

Dear Hacker,

I golf with my middle aged bachelor friends Bruce and Lance every weekend. These guys are my best buds- we talk antiques, fashion, disco, you name it. But Lance seems kinda weird.
Every time we get to the big water hole on 14 he pulls out this hideous pink golf ball he calls his "Lucky Plucker." He found it a while back in the mud bank at 14 and can't seem to miss with it.
But oh the ribbing we all take from the other guys in the clubhouse. They call us "Fancy Boys" and whisper about Lance. He doesn't seem to care. But I just can't take it Hacker! I am a well respected Hair Transplant Doctor- this is my reputation!!!!
What can we do to get rid of this "Lucky Plucker" of his? Help Hacker.
- Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed,
One approach you can take to rid your group of this "Lucky Plucker" is to secretly remove it from his bag prior to reaching the 14th hole.  If you were a hair stylist, I would say maybe YOU should be using the pink ball, but since you are a hair transplant doctor...can I get a discount?

Dear Hacker,

For six months now I've been playing golf and I regularly shoot in the mid 90's. Is this good? Every time I hand in my scorecard to my teacher, she just looks at it and keeps on teaching. I just want to know if I am shooting the expected level or way over or what...thanx a bunch - Mid90's

Dear Mid90's,
Shooting in the mid 90's isn't too bad for someone who's only been playing for six months.   Being as new to the game as you are, you do need to learn one of the most important aspects of learning how to play golf...instructors don't make any money off you if you get better!  Of course your instructor is not going to tell you that you are getting better, if she does, you won't need her any more.

Dear Hacker,
I have been playing golf for the last three years and so far I have nearly taken out the local pro, my grandfather, my high school golf coach and team members and my father.   Is it an omen or do I really have a problem and, oh yea, if I take out a winshield of a Lexus can i get sued? - The Mad Boomer

Dear Boomer,
It's only a problem if you didn't planned to nearly take out those people.   Otherwise, your aim seems to be perfect.  What I would suggest is to apply the same principle to lining up a shot you plan to make, such as to the green!  As far as the Lexus windshield goes, if no one saw you do it, as the saying goes...Fugetaboutit!

Dear Hacker,
Say I have a three yard putt, I putt the ball and it ends up two inches from the hole. I walk up to the ball and go to tap it in without lining up the shot and, for some reason or other, it misses. My playing partners always insist on counting the shot and penalize me if I pick the ball up and call it a gimmie. What should I do about my playing partners? - putt boy

Dear Putt Boy,
I say SCREW 'EM! Take the gimme and and if they continue on counting your every stroke, do the same to them.  Or, what may work even more effectively would be to count every one of their strokes...OUT LOUD prior to them taking the shot.  For example, when one of your partners is lining up a putt, say, "This will be your fourth shot."   Do this with every shot and before long, you'll be getting your gimmes.

Dear Hacker,
Recently we had a parade come through town.  Part of the parade route was next to a public golf course. The golf course chose not to close for the day and as the hundred thousand or so parade goers crossed the course I noticed quite a few perturbed duffers.   My question to the Hacker is this- Is there any sort of penalty for hitting these people? Or can you just play through and assume that a parade is just another hazard?   Thanks Hacker- James McDuff

Dear James,
If you are playing by "the rules," hitting bystanders would not count against your score for that particular hole.  Pros are always hitting some unlucky person in the gallery and aren't assessed a stroke.  However, the situation you describe would not constitute a gallery but would more likely be an annoyance.  The best way in which to handle an annoyance of this type is to play "sniper golf."  This is played by, during your normal round, taking a few extra ball out of your bag, hiding among the trees for cover and firing away.  No part of the assault would count against your actual score but keeping track of your "kills" makes for a fun afternoon.

Dear Hacker,

My grandfather passed away recently and left me his clubs and some of his old golf duds. The clubs are pretty crappy. But the clothes, oh the clothes are beautiful.
Yellow pants, checked shirts in fuchsia and brown and these wonderful white belts (2 of 'em) with our family name burned on the back.
My tailor threatened to assault me when I brought them in for tailoring and I don't know what to do. My question is: even though grandpa was a little bigger than me (he had a 58 inch waist, mine's merely 54) is it ok to wear these? It's not disrespectful to ole' grandpa? Thanks Hacker - Not Bill Blass

Dear Not Bill,
Wearing clothing of this nature on the golf course would be a bold move on your part.   If you're a young guy in your 20s, others may just look at you and say, "What's with these kids today?"  If, on the other hand, you're an older gentleman, the kids may look at you and say, "What? Did you buy those clothes and get a free bowl of soup?"  No disrespect to your dearly departed grandfather but dressing like Hale Irwin in the 70s is just doesn't cut it in the 90s.

Dear Hacker,
Thanks for the advice on grandpa's clothes. I left 'em in the closet, except for the belts- I got one on, and the other I've rigged as a bag strap. The matching belt- strap combo is really doing it for me!
My question this week is also fashion related. Your judgement on fashion issues has proven reliable.
I have slightly thinning hair and have grown the hair above my ears out about a foot and a half. I find it really appealing to comb it over my bald spot. I know the ladies love it- they can't even tell there's a bald spot under all that black frizzy hair!
My question is- hat or hairspray on windy days out on the course? Is it manly to use the Aquanet? - Not Bill Blass

Dear Not Bill,
Thanks for your repeated reliance on the Hacker!
NO!!!  NOT THE COMB-OVER!!  That's almost as bad as wearing a rug.   Everyone can tell you've lost it on top so why draw attention to it?
If you must know what would be better on windy days, my choice would be the hat.   With the hat, you can avoid the embarrassing wind-produced head fin your comb-over can turn into.  Plus, you run less risk of opening a gash on someone else's face should your Aquanet laden comb-over get out of control.

Dear Hacker,
I've noticed that having a beer or two while golfing usually helps my game, or at least helps me feel better about my game.  What I'm thinking is that if a beer or two can help save a couple strokes, and I'd like to save maybe 20 strokes...well, you get my meaning.   My question: Do you think it would make a difference if I drank light beer or regular beer? The light beer is really cheap at the liquor store down the street.   Thanks Hacker! - Bud Man

Dear Bud Man,
If downing a beer or 12 helps your game, go for it!  I find that light beer is the better choice because it contains fewer calories and therefore, if you're concerned about your figure, won't give you that bloated feeling by the third hole. The only downside to this approach to better golf is that you might find yourself spending more time among the trees.  And I don't mean to locate stray shots.  Remember one thing, however, practice responsible drinking...don't drink and drive.  You might slice off the tee and hurt someone.  I just had to say that, forgive me.

Dear Hacker,
I truly suck!!! However, I am interested in improving. Do you feel I should go to a professional? - Duckhook

Dear Duckhook,
If you are truly interested in improving your game my suggestion is to stay as far away from teaching pros as possible.  I liken teaching pros to vampires.  Once they see you struggling, they don't give up until they've sucked your last dollar.  The way they keep you coming back for more is by giving you way too much to think about which screws up your game even more.  You see, they can't make any money if you actually improve because once that happens, you don't need them any longer.  I would just simply watch those who actually know what they are doing and emulate it and wear divots around your neck or cross two tees together to keep the pros at bay.

Dear Hacker,
I have been hearing for years about guys inventing golf balls that fly really far and really straight even when normal people hit them. These miracles of modern technology are then rejected by the USGA before they even hit the ground. Is there any truth to this rumor and if so has there been any call for armed insurrection? I think real blood bath is called for. - sorry I blew up

Dear Sorry,
The USGA is the unelected governing body responsible for determining what equipment is legal for play, whether it be clubs or balls.  In my opinion, the USGA acronym should stand for Unfair to Sucky Golfers Anywhere because the rules they come up with, in reality, are made with professional golfers in mind.  You and I, among millions of recreational golfers everywhere, are far from professionals and need any advantage we can get to make this game less frustrating.  As to your call for an armed insurrection, I don't know if anything that extreme is necessary.  However, a flood of letters to the USGA simply stating "You're not the boss of me" might be a less violent means of getting our point across.

Dear Hacker,
Is it really necessary to fix ball marks on the green? To me, it's like a battle scar. I don't hit too many greens with the authority enough to displace mother earth in the first place and now they want me to fix it with some tool I have to pay seven bucks for at the pro-shop? What gives? - FIX THIS

Dear Fix This,
The fixing of ball marks on the greens, replacing divots and raking sand traps are all a part of this thing called course etiquette.  I've heard the term before but, until recently, had no idea what it refered to.  In golf, it's every man for himself so repairing blemishes is not your responsibility unless it interferes with your ball. Plus the fact, that's why they pay those greens keepers the big bucks.

Dear Hacker,
Can you tell me if the ball manufacturers are putting something in their golf balls that home in on water hazards? I think this is happening so they can increase their sales.   Your investigation into this strange phenomenon I believe is warranted. - The Diviner

Dear Diviner,
Your theory on this matter does, indeed, deserve further investigation.  I have also found that a brand new ball will find an unnegotiable hazard such as water or thick vegetation much easier than a cheap, scuffed up ball.  I feel this phenomenon is due in part to the "second ball theory."  This theory hold that, when it is necessary to hit over a water hazard and you are thinking of using an old ball as opposed to a new one and you opt for the new one, it will, undoubtedly, go for a swim.  I've contacted Oliver Stone...look for the movie this spring.

Dear Hacker,
Do these golf training hoops work?  I'm talking about the ones I have seen on the infomercials on TV (SAM2000 & Madjack Swing Machine). - Mark

Dear Mark,
If your goal is to look like a complete fool by standing in the middle of a giant circle while others watch you attempt to perfect a golf swing you'll never be able to duplicate on the course. . .sure they work.  The next time you're awake at 4 AM watching these infomercials on the Golf Channel for ridiculous training aids, remember this, there's a reason you can't buy most of these things in a real golf shop.  THEY DON'T WORK!!!

Dear Hacker,
My buddy and I love to play golf but hate to be paired with other people. We are not very good and hate it when other hackers think they have the "solution" to my game. I would rather play by myself. How can I make sure that our outings remain just a twosome? - Gary

Dear Gary,
It is nearly impossible for a course to allow you to go off as a twosome every time you play.  They put foursomes together in order to speed up play and make money by getting more golfers on the course.  You can, however, make playing conditions so unbearable for the twosome with whom you've been paired up that after about two or three holes, they will insist you play on without them.
One example would be to play speed golf without telling the unfortunate twosome paired with you.  Hit each shot and rush to play the next one, the whole time insisting the other two guys keep up with you.  For an added effect, make sure you are as rude as possible in your assertions. As soon as you reach the first par three hole, they'll be sure to let you play on without them.

Dear Hacker,
I can't play golf worth a damn, but keep going on golf vacations because my wife loves to sneak onto resort courses late at night and have her way with me.  Should I take up a new hobby or keep driving the green? - Smooth Stroke

Dear Smooth,
Golf is a game that is meant to be enjoyed no matter how good or bad you are.   It seems to me that you're enjoying the game quite a bit.  My suggestion would be to continue to go on those golf vacations because there is nothing more satisfying that having your loved one work on your putts with you.

Dear Hacker,
One of my playing partners has a problem.  When he uses his driver he always overswings and farts in his backswing.  Although the green cloud  doesn't seem to cause him a problem, it sure causes his partners to lose sight of the ball.  We spend a lot of time hunting for lost balls.  What should we do? - "Blind Tom" Southern

Dear "Blind Tom",
The way I see it, you have two options.  One, if this guy actually produces a green cloud when he lets one loose, stop playing with him!  We all laugh like four-year-olds at a well timed air biscuit but when the noxious fumes are visible, it's time to send your friend to a doctor.
The other option, and I highly recommend this one, DO NOT stand behind him when he tees off.  Walk down the fairway before it's his turn at the tee and tell him it is so you can spot his ball.  This serves two purposes, it speeds the game along by being able to locate his ball quicker and it prevents his farts from taking the color out of your clothes.

Dear Hacker,
I have this guy I sometimes golf with that cheats. He will be doing badly on a hole and he will take 4 shots to get on the green and then 3 putt and by an act of God will get a 4.   What should I do? - Confused

Dear Confused,
One way to approach this situation would be to quietly keep track of his strokes and when he finally finishes up a hole say to him, "What did you get there, an eight?"  That would be the subtle way to confront his cheating.  However, I prefer a more direct and obnoxious manner in which to deal with him.  After each shot attempt he makes, count it, OUT LOUD.  For example, when he reaches the green after six strokes, yell, "That's six!"  Continue that for each stroke and one of two things will result.  Either he will never cheat in your presence again or you will never walk the same after he rams a six iron up your ass.

Dear Hacker,
As a recent inductee into golf, I've observed that everyone seems to have those silly little `club hats' on their woods.  I've been trying to come up with reasons why someone would do this. Does putting a moose-shaped sock on
your club make you hit farther?  Or are they just simply like those "toilet
paper barbies" old ladies have in their bathrooms? - Missing something

Dear Missing,
The reason for the head cover is to protect the delicate head of the composite woods.  This protection, I have found to be invaluable when I have slammed my clubs back into my bag after an awful shot.  The sound of metal on metal has made me cringe in the past before I utilized the head covers.
As for using those animal head covers, they will add absolutely no extra distance. In fact, I find those to be as tacky as iron covers or the straw hat some guys insist on wearing.  The last golfer I want to be paired up with is the guy that has zoo animals sticking out of his bag.

Dear Hacker,
I have a question that has puzzled me for quite some time. I have the joy of playing with cigarette smokers and cigar puffers. This, in itself, isn't a problem, but these guys keep putting their butts in the nearest sand trap. Is this an issue with the USGA? - Butthead

Dear Butthead,
As far as I know, the USGA has no ruling on placing personal effects in hazards.   Give them time, however, and I'm sure they will.  But I digress.  I am a smoker as well and I never give a second thought as to where my cigarettes will be extinguished.  Your playing buddies do have the right idea as the bunkers, to me, are nothing but huge ash trays.  In fact, after a good rain storm, I find the cup to be an excellent place to dump my butts as well.

Dear Hacker,
It is said that the ill-tempered, club-throwing Tommy Bolt would try to break a competitor's concentration on the putting surface by a well timed release of bean methane generated from the morning's chili omelet breakfast. I've tried every form of early morning cuisine I know of to simulate the effect, including sauerkraut, but to no avail. Any recommendations? - JaxJoe

Dear JaxJoe,
Absolutely nothing in this world beats a well-timed air biscuit to ruin someone's concentration.  However, conjuring one up from the depths of your bowels without the proper fuel can pose a problem.  My suggestion would be to stop by any convenience store before your round and wolf down a few breakfast burritos and a large cup of coffee with lots of cream.  In no time, the severity of the cheek you'll be busting would make even Beavis and Butthead sick.  One drawback to this plan, however, be very careful of the accidental squirt.

Dear Hacker,
How do I get my partner to properly follow the rules of etiquette and help me find my ball?  I play with this group and being the 'novice' I'm paired with this guy that shoots in the low-to-mid 80s.  After crushing his ball down the fairway, he always goes straight to his ball, while I have to end up rediscovering the four corners of the planet all by myself. I was under the impression that a golfer is supposed to help find his partner's ball!
How do I politely remind him of this? - Magellan

Dear Magellan,
What's etiquette?  While your playing partner may be thoughtless by not assisting you in locating your sprayed shots, in my world, it's every man for himself.   That being said, I would approach the situation in one of two ways.  The first would be to jump into the driver's seat of the cart and make a b-line for where I thought my ball landed, thereby, forcing him to help locate it.  The second, more subtle manner, would be to simply ask him, "Hey, asshole, wanna stop admiring your shot and give me a hand?"  I find the latter to be the most effective way to get your point across.

Dear Hacker,
I have two strikes against me.  I am female and an attorney.  When I play with the guys (who are mostly engineers) they tell really bad lawyer jokes and this puts my game off.  Help! - J Miner

Dear J.,
First of all, the way I see it is that being a female is certainly NOT a strike against you.  The fact that you are an attorney as well tells me that you have a brain, which unfortuantely, many men may view as a strike.  To address your dilemma with these engineer guys who are throwing off your game with bad lawyer jokes, put on the dumb chick act. You know exactly what type of engineers they are but let them think otherwise.  Dwell on the subject of trains throughout the round.  Ask which train line they work, do they get to wear that funky conductor's hat, and when getting back into the golf cart yell, "ALL ABOARD!!"  Pretty soon they'll be pissed off enough that you can turn the tide.

Dear Hacker,
My girlfriend and I have had an ongoing debate.  She says that golfballs are the most important thing in the game.  I say shaft selection is more important.  So you decide for us....is it better to have good balls or a stiff shaft?? - Houston JPW

Dear Houston JPW,
My personal opinion is that a stiff shaft beats a good set of balls any day of the week.  The one downfall of having good balls is that, with one wicked slice, you can lose them.  On the other hand, having a nice, stiff shaft is the key to driving it home.  Then again, if you have problems controlling it, there's always Viagra!

Dear Hacker,
The girl I am dating doesn't play golf.... in fact, she doesn't understand how golf can be fun.  She insists that it is all about proper club selection, extensive practice and skill building, hitting a ball, walking after it, hitting it again, and eventually getting it into a hole in the ground.  She completely misses the point that golf is an excellent opportunity to get really drunk with your friends, tell dirty stories, hit some really horrible shots, and smash things with your clubs shortly before throwing them down the fairway.  How do I help her realize to true inner beauty of golf? - J.P. Williams

Dear J.P.,
If you want her to "realize the true inner beauty of golf," have her watch it on television to see how it's really done.  If you want her to pick up the game from you, better start looking for another girlfriend.  The one thing I've come to realize is that golf and girlfriends or wives DO NOT mix well.  The nice, kind, caring man she sees every day suddenly becomes the obnoxious, temper tantrum throwing, foul-mouthed pig that only other men can deal with when on the course.  Golf brings out the absolute worst in us and unless you don't mind getting dumped faster than a meal at Taco Bell, keep the two separate.

Dear Hacker,
Say the guy I'm playing with drops his cigarette butt on the green directly in the path of my shot en route to the hole and it hits it. Do I get an automatic gimme or must I shoot from wherever it stops ? Also, can I beat the crap out of him without getting a penalty ? - Ninehndycap

Dear Ninehndycap,
The last thing any golfer wants are his balls hitting another guy's butt.  In your specific example, the butt in question would be considered an outside agency interfering with the path of your putt.  The ruling would depend upon whether you are in match or stroke play.  However, since rules mean absolutely nothing to me, I would consider the putt holed and while walking past him, "accidentally" have my putter interfere with his balls.  I'm not talking about his Titleist, if you know what I mean.

Dear Hacker,
I have too many problems in my game to even begin to ask a technique question,  so I'll go with etiquette.  In the summer, when the trees are green and full, it's easy enough to duck off of the fairway to take a leak behind a tree or a big rock.  But what about in the Spring, or late Fall when the leaves are gone and thus, you end up wagging the dog in public, so to speak. Might there be some way to more efficiently relieve one's bladder when cover is scarce? - Seeking Relief

Dear Seeking,
The answer to your dilemma is a simple one: you are playing golf with other men.   Anything goes.  Unless you have a problem with your equipment not being up to par, most guys have no problem with taking care of business anywhere on the course.   This includes, if there are no rangers in site, going for the green.  Not only does it give you the needed relief but it also aids in getting the read of the green by following the stream.

Dear Hacker,
I have a problem. It may be simply solved, and I take a lot of advice, but nothing helps.   My problem is I am not consistent. A typical sequence of holes will be: par, triple bogey, birdie, double bogey, bogey, quadruple bogey, birdie, par and on and on like that.   What can I do? - DickEspo

Dear DickEspo,
I can relate to your dilemma having had many a round where my scorecard looks like just a bunch of random numbers, most being over six.  The way I have attempted to rectify this is by rationalizing the situation.  I figure that if I gain some degree of consistency in my game boredom sets in.  It may be much more frustrating to shoot bogey, double bogey, par, then have to pick up on the very next hole, but by playing that way, I never know what will happen.  Now doesn't that make for a more exciting game?

Dear Hacker,
What is the 90 degree rule and how do I know when I am ignoring it? - Rules

Dear Rules,
The 90 degree rule pertains to at what angle you should cross a fairway in a cart.   Most of the better courses live by this rule especially after a rain storm.  One way to know for sure if you're ignoring it is to drive the cart up the middle of the fairway, from the tee box to the green, dragging a 3-iron to create a line.  If at any time during play of that hole you see that your cart is not traveling directly perpendicular to the line you etched in the grass, you're ignoring the 90 degree rule.

Dear Hacker,
How close should a ball be to the hole before it is considered a gimme? - Paully

Dear Paully,
The standard measurement for gimmes is what's called "inside the leather" or the length from the putter head to just below the grip.  Howerver, I usually consider it a gimme if I think I should make the putt regardless of the distance to the hole.

Dear Hacker,
When you hit your ball into another group and they don't hear you yell "Fore!" do you leave your ball and act like it wasn't your shot, or do you confront the group and apologize? Would this be an opportunity for a mulligan? Any advice would be appreciated. - Not my Ball

Dear Not My Ball,
Having been in that situation many times, I have learned that the best thing to do would be to completely ignore the shot and hit another one. When you meet up with the group you hit into and they confront you regarding the shot, mention to them that someone has been doing the same to you all day and you have no idea who it could be.

Dear Hacker,
When I hit a ball into the woods and can't find it, is it okay to use another ball that I have found and not tell my friends with out taking a stroke? - Dante

Dear Dante,
Not only is it OKAY to do that...it's encouraged! As far as I know, the rule against playing someone else's ball only applies if that someone is in your group. In other words, you would be playing A ball not your opponents. Plus, what they don't know won't hurt them.

Dear Hacker,
Why is it that when I buy a sleeve of good balls I'm guaranteed to lose 2 or 3 of them during my next round but I can't loose an X-out ball? - Curious

Dear Curious,
The answer to your question is one word...conspiracy. The reason being, the ball manufacturers produce their balls with a special dimple design that causes a slice, hence, your ball ends up lost in the woods. Think about it, if every shot you made went straight in the fairway, you would not have to buy golf balls again because you would never lose them. That's bad business.
The X-outs you buy are the balls manufactured without the flaw which is the reason you never lose them.

Dear Hacker,
My soon-to-be husband introduced me to the game of golf 5 months ago. I have been diligently trying to break 100 this summer. My problem is this.... lately, when we play, if he hits a ball into the woods or the water, he loses his temper and calls himself a "phag" among other choice terms. In other words, he loses his normally sweet disposition and has a royal temper tantrum in the middle of the game....affecting not only his next several holes (which is okay, since he plays golf like a "phag") but also throwing my game off as well. I want to break 100, but I also want to play golf with my Sweetie. What can I say or do to "de-phag" these moments, and get him to play the next holes ....at the very least...like a girl? Thank you for your uninformed suggestions! - NASTI-Gilmore

Dear Nasti,
The easiest aspect of the game of golf is controlling someone else's game. It seems to me that the "Phag" has brought this to a new level. What he is doing by throwing his temper tantrums is not only venting his frustration but in the same act bringing your level of play right down to his. If you want to hear "phag," imagine him telling his friends that you beat him.
My suggestion to you if you really must play golf with your sweetie, sacrifice a shot or two and react in exactly the same manner in which he would. Throw your club and say, "Jeez! I'm starting to play like YOU!" I guarantee his disposition will return to its normal sweetness when he comforts you and forgets about his own shortcomings.

Dear Hacker,
I have a new partner in my foursome who constantly asks, "How was that shot? I think it was a good shot? What do you think?" Then all the way up to the next shot, this guy talks about his shot and how good it was. He's like my little kid always looking for approval. Now the question? Should I use my putter and rap him up side the head being as the putter is the least likely to break - or - should I use an iron!? The other two members of our foursome indicated I get to take 2 strokes off my card since he is my handicap. - Shutup and hit the ball.

Dear Shutup,
A player like the one you describe can be worse than a case of the shanks! My suggestion, explain to him that there are three other players in your group who don't give a damn about his game and that maybe he should keep an eye on his shots. If that doesn't work, go with the club upside the head but choose one that you don't hit very well so you won't miss it when it's impaled in his skull.

Dear Hacker,
I have the most difficult time putting. It seems like every time I bend over the ball to putt my boobs get in the way. How do the women cope with this problem? - Bill Bustamente

Dear Bill,
I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole. Remember CBS announcer Ben Wright?

Dear Hacker,
My regular foursome has been arguing over this one for some time now: Golfer tees off and the ball is headed down the side of the fairway but drifting towards the woods and possibly out-of-bounds. It might be playable (in bounds) or it might not. It's too hard to tell from the tee. Does a golfer hit a provisional and then try to find his first ball, or just go look for his first ball? The catch is this: If the golfer hits a provisional ball and has to play it because he can't find the first ball, he is lying 3 wherever the provisional ball is. If he doesn't hit a provisional but can't find his first ball, he drops a new ball approximately where he thinks he lost the first tee shot and plays from there, lying 2 (Nobody these days walks back to the tee to hit another, expect members at very snooty private clubs). So why hit a provisional and lie 3 if you can drop and lie 2? Thanks for your help. - David Tindall

Dear David
The key word in your very complex question is LIE. Forget the provisionals and penalty strokes. Go to where you think the first ball went and, very discreetly, drop one and say you found it. Hit from there and count it as your second stroke. (If you do take the drop, you are actually sitting 3)

Dear Hacker,
Four golfers, including myself, are playing in a local scramble under the name "Golfers Behaving Badly". Any ideas on how we might live up to (or down to) our name? - Not Welcome Anywhere

Dear Not Welcome,
A good tip on how to live up or down to your name, depending on how you look at it, is to make your foursome known on the course. Have cart races, yell "fore!" for no reason just to see other golfers duck for cover, after you finish a hole, jam the pin at another location on the green for the next group, and hit all four ball at the same time, in different directions.

Dear Hacker,
Can I get anything out of blowing $350 on an oversized club like a Great Big Bertha? I can barely make contact with my normal driver, aside from the fact that the ones I do make contact with produce a trajectory not unlike a banana. - Dupree

Dear Dupree,
The worst thing you can do as a bad golfer is to purchase expensive clubs. First of all, when others see that the contents of your golf bag is worth more than most cars, they assume that you actually know how to play. Secondly, a stolen driver from a range will most likely produce the same results as your $350 Great Big Bertha. My suggestion would be to advertise the Big Bertha as a club with plenty of good shots remaining and get your money back to use on restocking golf balls.

Dear Hacker,
I think I'm doing something wrong. All my drives tend to be right down the middle of the fairway. Please help! Why can't I play like my friends? They are always mad at me and make me tee off last. I want to change but don't know how! - Straight Arrow

Dear Arrow,
The only thing I can see that you are doing wrong is playing with the wrong guys! However, if you insist on continuing to team up with the Three Stooges, here's what you can do. When stepping up to hit a shot, have a million swing-thoughts going through your head because that always seems to cause a bad shot. You can also try swinging too hard, aligning your body to the wrong target, swaying your body on the back swing, and hitting behind the ball. These are all things that come naturally to a true bad golfer.

Dear Hacker,
How do you play golf? - Hopeless in NY

Dear Hopeless,
The answer to that question varies depending upon the playing skill of the person answering.
A golfer who plays with a single-digit handicap would respond by saying that the game of golf is played by striking a golf ball with the utmost precision, taking into account varied wind conditions, course terrain, distance, and ball position with the single goal of holing out with the least amount of strokes to obtain a final score below par.
On the other hand, the answer to this question given by most of us bad golfers goes something like this: Hit the ball as far as you can, look for it, hit it again as far as you can, look for it, hit it again as far as you can, look for it, hit it again as far as you can, look for it, hit it again as far as you can, look for it, hit it again as far as you can, look for it, and when you finally get on the green, get it in the damn hole! Then...do it all over again on the next hole.

Dear Hacker,
Why do I need so many clubs if I hit 100 yards regardless of which one I use? Granted my putter is the exception, but it's clear to me I only need say a 9 iron (plus of course the putter) My drivers are already in the woods (where all my balls went) and my 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 irons all shoot just 100 yards. Am I right that the club manufacturers are spinning one on us just to sell more clubs? - Dave Hack

Dave,
You should take pride in being able to get 100 yards out of every club in your bag because you have accomplished something most bad golfers can not even come close to, CONSISTENCY. You should not feel as though you are being "spun" by the club manufacturers. Instead, those we should be questioning are the makers of golf bags. If we only needed one club and a putter we would not need the bag, a holster would do just fine.

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